It’s like Hide and Go Seek lately. Just when I think I’ve found my motivation for this half marathon training, it’s time for a new game. And I feel like I’m always the one closing my eyes, counting to ten and then having no idea where the heck motivation is hiding.
Sometimes, it’s the usual places – behind work; under the dirty dishes; tucked away inside a speaking engagement, volunteerism or a board meeting. Other times, I just have no idea where it’s gone.
I was never all that good at this game, which we called Hide And Go “Sieg” as we were growing up. It intimidated me to be the seeker because I felt like I SHOULD be smart enough to know where my sisters or cousins were hiding. And when it was my turn to hide, I just could never think of a creative place to go.
It makes me wonder if I was more afraid of being found – or not being found.
Over the past few months, it’s become clear to me that I have abandonment issues. There is no logical reason for this. My parents never forgot me at the gas station. They never locked me in the basement. And they did the absolute best they could. But for some reason, whenever I get close to someone or something (like completing this half marathon goal), I get a little freaked out.
In my relationships, it triggers me to try too hard. In the rest of my life, it causes me to clam up. Most any runner will tell you that running is mostly mental. And those obstacles are so much steeper than any running terrain my legs have ever met.
With less than a month until the Vegas half marathon, it’s important for me to find my motivation again. This is something I want to do both because I enjoy doing it and because I want the sense of accomplishment that comes along with it.
Since it’s impossible for motivation to lace up its running shoes and find me, I guess that leaves me in control. So today, all I can say to that elusive motivation is, “Ready or not, here I come.”
Unscripted 